The First Third Of My Life

Year of The Rat  4706
1 December 2008 AD
Monday, 0724 hrs. CST
Stormcrow Ranch
Boone, IA
USA
"Squirrel Corn Capital of the World."

It snowed here yesterday--about four inches--and more is on the way.  Thus begins another long and lonely winter.
    Some days, it's not so bad: the snow falling, a fire crackling in the fireplace, Mozart or Bach on the stereo, coffee and bacon in the kitchen, rum on the sideboard, and a few dollars in one's pocket.  Sometimes someone to share the beauty with, but mostly not.
    Other times it is just ugly:  brutal cold, sloppy ice and slush, dirty snow and a bitterness which seeps into one's bones.  Bad streets, short tempers, thoughts of suicide and a heap of unopened bills.
     Still, I would not have it any other way.  This is Life, goddamn it, and we are each lucky to have it.  There is a cycle and rhythm in Nature, and winter is nap time, a time of a certain laziness and introspection, a chance to think those long thoughts in a white-draped world, a moment literally frozen.
    I had that option yesterday to sit and think, and out of nowhere came a quote I can't place or wholly remember.  It goes something like this:

If you know you only have 24 hours to live, what would you say, and to whom would you speak?   Why are you waiting?

    I've said since I was 40, that the first third of my life is over.  I believe in human will and the amazing machine which harbors it.  I will be 46 in March, so the math makes me 138 when I die, if I do.  And I don't believe in death.  For someone to say to me, 'you have to die,' I say 'prove it.'  Show me someone is dead--not papers, not bodies, not bones--prove I absolutely HAVE to die.  It is then that they fall silent.  No where is it written that we have to die.  Tom Robbins wrote a great novel about this called "Jitterbug Perfume."  I recommend it highly, and should be on every reading list(TA:  your next assigned reading.  See also Still Life with Woodpecker).
    But, were I to die, what wisdom would I pass on?  What would I say in my last 24 hours?  These things:

~You are loved greatly.  I should have said it more, and actually meant it, rather than just reciting something you thought you needed to hear.

~Do not be afraid.  We all have courage.  How you use yours is entirely up to you.

~Trust your instincts.  If it feels wrong, it is.  There is no excuse.

~Endeavor to fail.  Make mistakes big and bold, and learn from them.  Only God is perfect, and even then it took Him 14 billion years to get it right.(At least in this solar system)  (chuckle) Or maybe that was His plan all along.

~Pursue your passions relentlessly.  Never mind what others say.  If you like it, do it.

~Make deep and abiding friendships.  Never cast away anyone who may have something to offer, regardless of how angry they made you, or you them

~Know time is yours.  Linger over lunch, walk in the rain, wander through libraries and museums when you are supposed to be at work or school.  But also know you do have responsibilities--some to others, some to society, some to yourself.

~Read.  Learn all that is know-able, even if it seems boring.  Your brain is far, far bigger than all the computers ever built.  It rivals the world wide web in its arc, depth and scope.  And it's all yours.  But it has to be fed and exercised.

~Write.  Journals, diaries, recipes, designs, blogs.... whatever.  Hammer at the keyboard, lash away with a pen.  Someday, someone will understand, and take solace in and energy from your words.

~Believe in magic and miracles.  Believe in ghosts and Santa Claus and UFOs.  There are secrets in this world if one were to open one's eyes.  Watch dawn over the stormy ocean, see snow fall on pines and cedars, smell the musty scent of damp leaves, or freshly turned dirt, revel in the way music makes you feel...  These things are magical and miraculous, but to many, they seem mundane.  Not so.

~Share.  Give of your life.

~Be honest.  Guard your integrity and practice it relentlessly.

~Say 'Fuck you.  I am not dying, and you can't stop me from living.'

These are the things I would say in my last 24 hours should that moment ever come to pass.  And here is the list of people I would say it to:

    Tyler, Hunter, Tucker, Deb, Jennifer, Jen, Lois, Dorie, Doc, Hawk, Finn, Linda, Paula, Fred, Sharon, Fred, Brian, Keith, John, Lisa, Rob, Dennie, Mike, Mark, Lee, Paula, Nick, JD, Laurel, Denise, Leah, Lelia, John, Scott, Todd, Tiff, Sue, Susan, Jon, Howard, Randy, Tracey, Stephanie, Jim, Mark, Magnum, Wills, Jeff, Chef, Charlie, Lynn, Brooke, Bob, Chris, Steve, Megan, Meg, Nancy, Jim Trina, Wanda, Paul, Roger, Roger, Mary Beth, Rizzo, Mark, Eric, Dave, Mona, Tuffy, Roxie, Doanie, Michelle, Reba, Jem, and Karen.... 

    I'm sure if I went through the whole list, it would probably swamp the web, a bandwidth so wide and powerful it might cause planes to fall from the sky.
    The thing is we all have this power, the ability to touch lives, and to make changes.
    I don't think the first third of my life was wasted.

Rage, rage,....

~Hob